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Our intentions don’t always line up with our outcomes, and misunderstandings lead to anger, sadness, frustration, and conflict. On the Live Without Border podcast, I talk about intent vs impact, which is more important, and how to effectively and ethically communicate your intentions. Of course, I’ll be weaving in the timeless wisdom of the Stoics.

Hi, I’m Sarah Mikutel, your communication and mindset coach, an Enneagram 9 expat in England, and practicing Stoic.

Good intentions gone awry 

When I was little, I saw my dad spray paint some outdoor furniture. Later that week, I saw the spray paint cans in our basement, where my friends and I were riding around on tricycles and roller skates. Someone – maybe me – put two and two together and thought, “We should paint our bikes!” 

So four of us, including my little sister,  opened up the cellar door and rolled our bikes into the front yard, secluded by trees. This was the ’80s, when parents were still allowed to have lives, so they weren’t around when red, white, and pink spray started filling the air and streaking the grass. 

I have a hazy memory of reality not matching the bicycle transformation I had in my head, but still, this felt like art. Taking color to the next level. Improving the product. 

I imagined my parents saying, “Wow! YOU did that? Can you do my car, as well?” 

For good measure, I spray-painted a metal rod supporting a telephone pole. Then we paraded our bikes into the back yard, knocked on the kitchen, and jumped around with smiling excitement until we saw our parents' faces. 

They were not pleased. And they had company so I’m guessing embarrassment tinged their anger. Plus, I was a shy people-pleaser as a kid, so my afternoon of juvenile delinquency must have added to the shock.  

My parents are good people who might have a more laidback reaction if my 5-year-old nephew did something similar today. Most likely my parents don’t even remember this incident. But I do. 

I remember how out of alignment their reactions were to my intentions. From my point of view, I thought they would be thrilled when they saw our spray-painted bikes. No.

Was I wrong to do what I did? Or did my intention to create something beautiful count for something?

Intent vs impact

In recent decades, it’s become common to hear: “It doesn’t matter what your intent was, it’s how you made me feel.” This is not a wise idea to hang onto. 

Intentions do matter. Way more than the outcome of what happens, according to the ancient Stoics. Because, while we can influence outcomes, they are not entirely in our control, so not always the best measure of our character. 

For the Stoics, our moral worth is based on good intentions and the effort we make, which is entirely up to us. 

If we want to enjoy healthy relationships – and also to think rationally so life doesn’t drive us insane – we need to keep our minds open to other perspectives, listen to people, and forgive – or apologize. 

Are you guilty if your intent lacks effectiveness?

Becky is jealous of her popular colleague, Emily, who’s giving a very important presentation the next day. She’s spent weeks on the content.

Becky encourages her to take a break, and as soon as Emily leaves to buy a sandwich, Becky hops on her computer. She finds Emily’s slide deck and permanently deletes it. 

When Emily comes back, she’s confused about where her file has gone. Thankfully, she also saved her slide deck in the cloud and downloads it without any problems. 

She gives a great presentation the next day and doesn’t know that Becky tried to sabotage her. 

Is Becky guilty of something even though her plan failed and Emily didn’t suffer?

A consequentialist, who says it’s the outcome that matters, would say no because Emily wasn’t harmed. 

The law might say otherwise because Becky did attempt a crime (unauthorized access and attempted sabotage). 

Stoics would say Becky is guilty of living an unethical life and harming herself. Her vicious thoughts and actions reveal the quality of her character. 

The fact that Emily didn’t lose her presentation doesn’t absolve Becky of wrongdoing. 

In Becky’s mind, she probably was not thinking about her intentions at all, but thinking punishing thoughts like, “Emily doesn’t deserve to be liked so much more than me.” 

But if she took a step back and actually considered her intentions and what they reveal about her identity, she may reevaluate her plans.

“My intent is to harm Emily. I’m the kind of person who harms people.” 

This sounds like a miserable life. Also, what’s the end goal here? To become popular like Emily? Is acting like this going to get you there? And why do you want to be popular, Becky? Is it because you want more friends? 

Becoming friend-worthy is much more likely to help Becky make friends than scheming. 

Marcus Aurelius wrote:

“Such as are your habitual thoughts, such also will be the character of your mind; for the soul is dyed by the thoughts.” 

The thoughts that you allow in your mind influence your character and the color of your soul.

You are the accumulation of your thoughts and actions.

Thoughts and actions. It’s not enough to intend to be a good colleague or partner or friend. Our actions need to back up these intentions. We need to consider the consequences of what we do or don’t do when making decisions and following through on good intentions. 

What do you want our of life? What do you want right now? 

Name your intent and the identity associated with it. This will help you see things more rationally so you can make better decisions.

Address unintended consequences to avoid workplace drama

Pam’s a project manager and a client has just sent in some last-minute changes. She wants to alert her colleagues, so she sends an email saying, “Hi, team. Some last-minute changes have come through. Please prioritize these so we can make the deadline. We need everyone’s undivided attention this week so please adjust your schedules accordingly. Thanks so much, Pam.”

Harry, one of the team members, thinks Pam is implying they don’t usually give their full attention to the project. He shares his feelings with some co-workers, and now they feel undervalued because of Pam’s message. 

Harry goes to Pam and tells her, “We work really hard and now wonder if you’re seeing that based on your message.” 

Harry’s reaction surprises Pam. She intended to be helpful by sharing the client changes right away, and, in her mind, her message had a ‘we’re all in this together’ feel. She’s offended that Harry’s offended. Why is he assuming the worst in her?

Before we talk about how to resolve this, I’ll say that Pam’s company should coach its employees to

• assume positive intent,

• reflect before they react,

• and to be more emotionally resilient.
  

If you need help with this kind of Stoic communication and wellbeing training, get in touch so I can help you and/or your team. 

Understand false impressions about intentions 

Now, why might Harry be under the impression that Pam wanted to insult him. Several factors could be at play: 

• Temperament – Some people are wired to be more distrustful and stressed.

• Experience – Harry may have a history of overly critical colleagues and bosses. 

• Situation – Harry may feel under pressure in his role, or in his family life.  

There’s also a bias called the fundamental attribution error. 

Attribution theory says we attribute people’s behavior to internal factors, such as intentions, and external factors, such as traffic. However, we often attribute other people’s behavior to internal circumstances, and our own behavior to external circumstances. So, he’s late because he’s lazy, but I’m late because my train was delayed. That’s the fundamental attribution error.

There’s also theory of mind, which is our ability to understand that we all have different perspectives, intentions, values, etc. We can’t read each other’s minds. 

But we often forget this and assume that if someone offends us, they intended to offend us. They must be thinking just like us and know they’re making us mad. 

And then we make the fundamental attribution error. We assume it’s because they’re a bad person, instead of considering what might be going on in their life, whether they intended to hurt us, or whether we are wrong and they didn’t say anything offensive at all. 

Of course, the Stoics say we need to take a step back and realize that a lot of our first impressions of a situation are false impressions. 

Having said that, if your good intentions have unintended negative consequences, accept what happened and remedy the situation. 

Ask yourself: What’s my intention? What’s my identity? 

When Harry comes to her, Pam feels defensive. But she wisely reflects before she responds: 

“OK, what’s my role here? Who do I want to show up as? A caring and competent leader of this project. I value clear communication and being open to ideas and suggestions."

Pam sets the intention to listen to Harry with an open mind. She appreciates that he came to her instead of stewing in negative emotions and considers her role in the misunderstanding.

Pam decides the wisest course of action is to address the situation in the team meeting.

“Hi everyone. It's important I clear something up. My email from earlier today came across to some as questioning your dedication. I didn't intend for this tone of voice at all. I know how hard you work and I’m so grateful for each and every one of you. My goal was simply to alert you to the changes and say ‘All hands on deck.’ We’re all in this together and I value each one of you."

Pam could have said, “You’re all a bunch of babies. Grow up. We’re under a tight deadline and your whining about an email is making our situation worse.” 

What outcome would that have resulted in? What intention would she be speaking from? That wouldn’t have helped anyone, including herself.

Instead, Pam showed up as a leader. She tried to see things from the other side. She listened. She clarified her intentions and restored harmony to the team. And now she knows how to more effectively communicate next time.

Pam’s colleagues feel much better – literally. 

Good intentions impact your physiology 

Did you know that the way you perceive someone’s intentions can alter your physical experience? 

A study called The Power of Good Intentions: Perceived Benevolence Soothes Pain, Increases Pleasure, and Improves Taste wanted to see if what we think about people’s intentions can alter our perceptions of pleasure and pain. 

Electric shocks

In one study, participants received electric shocks they thought they were receiving either 

• by mistake, 

• by a mean person on purpose, or 

• by someone with good intentions (shocking them so they had a chance to win a prize). 

Participants felt the most pain from the shocks when they thought the intent was malicious. The person was trying to hurt them. They felt the least pain from the benevolent shockers, who they thought were trying to help them win money. 

When we think someone's being malicious, we feel worse. But if we think they’ve got our best interests at heart, the same circumstance feels better. 

This comes in especially handy when giving constructive feedback at work. 

Frame employee feedback with positive communication

Taylor hired a junior employee named Jordan, who’s just given his first presentation. He left out some important data and his slides didn’t follow brand guidelines. Taylor wants to give Jordan feedback without discouraging him.

Without positive framing

If Taylor doesn’t frame his good intentions or consider his words beforehand, the conversation could look like this: 

Taylor: “Jordan, you forgot to include the data we needed in your presentation and the formatting was wrong. Did no one tell you how we usually present?”

Jordan: “Oh. I spent hours on that presentation. I wanted to share something new. Did you hate all of it?”

Framing positive intent

In an alternative universe, Taylor emphasizes the purpose of the conversation, to help Jordan.

Taylor: “Jordan, first off, I value the enthusiasm you brought to your presentation. I can tell you really care about your work, and you’ve been such a valuable addition to the team. May I share some guidance to help improve your next presentation? 

Jordan: “Yes.” 

Taylor:  “We have certain branding we use. I’m sorry if no one told you, but our slides need to adhere to that. I also noticed some key data from Operations was missing.”

Jordan: "I’m so sorry I forgot to include the Operations slide! That won’t happen again. As for the format, I was trying something new, but I understand if there’s a standard deck to follow – that actually makes my life a lot easier!”

By setting the tone and being clear on intentions, Taylor and Jordan can have a much more productive conversation focused on Jordan’s growth.

Summary

You want the message people hear to be as aligned as possible with your intention. But a lot gets lost in translation. People make fundamental attribution errors and filter our words through their personality, experience, and present situation. They forget we can’t read their minds.

Ideally, your intentions lead to positive outcomes, and, socially, this builds trust between people. 

On the flip side, when you don’t do what you say you’re going to do, or your actions have unintended consequences, relationships can suffer.

When you’re communicating with people, consider how your message could be received and adjust to have the impact you want. 

Before you speak, ask yourself what your intention is and what outcome you’re seeking. Does this line up with your values and who you want to be?

Let's have a conversation

Are your intentions having the impact you want? Are your actions aligned with what you say is important to you? 


This is what I love coaching people on. If you’d like to feel – and be seen – as someone who communicates with clarity, confidence, and good intentions, go to sarahmikutel.com and book a free conversation. Together we can elevate your speaking style so you can have the influence and impact you want.

“Watch your thoughts, they become your words; watch your words, they become your actions; watch your actions, they become your habits; watch your habits, they become your character; watch your character, it becomes your destiny.” ― Lao Tzu

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