Goals! How to Achieve Your New Year’s Resolutions
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How long have you put off what you really want to do? Day-to-day, we often don’t feel the ticking of time. But then as New Year’s Eve rolls around, we remember all the things we want to do and start promising things to ourselves.
New Year's Resolutions rarely work because they’re often hazy ideas without a plan. Also, people have a long list of everything they want to change, which makes them feel overwhelmed. So they give up.
If this is you, don’t feel like you’re alone or that something is wrong with you. Most of us are not taught practical skills, like how to set and achieve goals. Also, some people are naturally wired to be super driven and hit all their targets. This doesn’t make them better people and it doesn’t mean there’s no hope for the rest of us. There is! Here’s how to succeed, Stoic style.
What are your values?
Step one to achieving your goals is to figure out what really matters to you. What are your values? This is what we need to keep coming back to. If we’re not grounded in what’s important to us, it’s so easy to get distracted.
Every year, I like to do an obituary exercise to keep me rooted in my life’s mission and values. I’ll share some of the questions for you to ponder.
Answer these questions as if you’ve lived your ideal life. You’re looking back as a 90-year-old. Let your imagination run wild.
What motto did I live my life by? Something I really lived and breathed, not just said.
How would people describe me?
What new things did I try that I was too scared to attempt when I was younger? How did I overcome my fears to try those things?
What used to make me unhappy, and how did I turn that around?
What activities brought me the most joy? How often did I do them?
Which kinds of people brought me the most joy? How often did I see them in person?
Really think about what matters most to you.
A common coaching practice is to use a scale of 1-10 to rate different categories of importance in your life, such as: Friendship, Family, Learning, Career, Spirituality, Fun, Health, Volunteering, Financial.
And then you score each category 1-10 on how much time you actually dedicate to what you say is important. There is often a mismatch.
Whether you want to lose 10 pounds, move abroad, start a podcast, or whatever your goal is...connect to why this means so much to you.
You’re more likely to stick to your goals when you’re intrinsically motivated, that is, you find them personally rewarding, as opposed to extrinsic motivation, when you do something to receive praise or avoid punishment from others.
When self worth is tied to external outcomes, we’re more likely to be anxious and/or depressed, and might not start at all. So get started, and celebrate that first step.
Warren Buffett’s rule
OK, now that you’re clear on your values, decide which goal you want to pursue right now.
Seneca said, “The archer must know what he is seeking to hit; then he must aim and control the weapon by his skill. Our plans miscarry because they have no aim.” (Seneca, Letter 71: On the Supreme Good, Tao of Seneca Volume 2)
What do you want to focus on? Not, what do you think you SHOULD focus on, but what do you actually want to accomplish? What excites you? What will improve your life?
Billionaire Warren Buffett famously gave this advice to his private pilot when they were having a chat about his career priorities:
Write down the 25 goals you want to achieve.
Then choose the top five.
Create a list of just the top five, and another with the remaining 20. Only focus on the list of five.
Buffet’s point is that we have so much we want to do, but if we disperse our energy to 25 different things, we never achieve anything. The list of 20 things ends up being a distraction, so Buffett says you shouldn’t work on them at all until you achieve your top five.
And some say five is too much. Many productivity books these days say you should focus on one thing. Or, you might want to pick one priority for a few areas of your life to focus on right now, like health, work, and relationships.
Choose your priority, then ask yourself: Do you think you can achieve this? Have other people like you accomplished this who could serve as role models?
Marcus Aurelius said “not to assume it’s impossible because you find it hard. But to recognize that if it’s humanly possible, you can do it, too.” Marcus Aurelius, The Meditations, Book 6:19.
How committed are you to making your goal happen? Most importantly, how does this align with your values?
Mental Contrasting
Gabriele Oettingen, a researcher on the science of motivation, says that when we dream about things we want in life, it feels good. We relax, and can actually become too calm, she says:
“By fooling our brains into thinking we’re already successful, we lose motivation and energy to do what it takes to actually become successful.”
What we really need to do, according to Gabriele, is something called ‘mental contrasting,’ which pulls people out of their dream state and pushes them to engage with a dream.
She explains her WOOP framework — Wish, Outcome, Obstacle, Plan — in her book Rethinking Positive Thinking:
We begin with the “W” in WOOP, a wish or concern that you might have. Relax, take another breath, and think about one wish or concern in your personal or professional life, something that is challenging but that you think is possible for you to achieve in a given period of time. It could be something you could accomplish in a year, a month, a week, a day—whatever wish you decide to WOOP.
Now think of the first “O” in WOOP, the outcome. What is the best thing that you associate with fulfilling your wish or solving your concern? Identify this outcome and keep it in your mind’s eye. Really think about it; imagine the relevant events and experiences as vividly as possible. Let your mind go. Don’t hesitate to give your thoughts and images free rein. Take your time; you may close your eyes if you would like. When you are ready, open your eyes again.
It’s time to focus on the second “O” in WOOP, the obstacle. Sometimes things do not work out as well as we would like. What is it in you that holds you back? What is it really? Find the most critical, internal obstacle that prevents you from fulfilling your wish or solving your concern. What thoughts or behaviors might play a role? How about habits or preconceived notions? When thinking about obstacles, people often look to the external world, naming circumstances or individuals they feel are blocking them. But by choosing a wish that we think is feasible, we’re already accounting for obstacles outside us (if serious obstacles outside us existed, the wish wouldn’t be feasible).
When you are ready, let’s move to the “P” part of WOOP—the plan. What can you do to overcome or circumvent your obstacle? Name one thought or action you can take—the most effective one—and hold it in your mind. Then think about when and where the obstacle will next occur. Form an if-then plan: “If obstacle x occurs (when and where), then I will perform behavior y.” Repeat this if-then plan to yourself one more time.
Gabriele says to really let your mind flow in this exercise and to visualize images, and that the first time you do this, it could take 15-20 minutes. But that you can keep using this WOOP exercise for all areas of your life and that eventually it will take just a few minutes to WOOP something.
What do you need to start doing? Stop doing?
You’ve WOOP-ed your goal and it feels great to you. Now it’s time to take that next step.
Ask yourself:
What’s the number one thing I can start doing today to help me achieve this goal?
Example: Going to bed one hour earlier.
What’s the number one thing I can STOP doing today to help me achieve this goal?
Example: Stop using social media.
When I talk about what you should stop doing, I’m not just talking about what you know you should stop doing / things that aren’t good for you. It includes stop doing things that you like but that are really distracting you from your current priorities, as mentioned in the Warren Buffett example.
‘Stop doing’ can also mean cutting your losses -- and this can be so tough when you’ve invested a lot of time, money, and energy into something.
I have my M.F.A. in creative writing and we call this ‘killing your darlings.’ Maybe you spent a year on a novel and then realize a certain character doesn’t need to be there, or you want to change the book’s point of view. You spent hundreds of hours working on this, so you feel a real resistance to moving in another direction. But you realize you need to stop what you’re doing and pivot. And also recognize that those weren’t wasted hours but path to get you to where you are now.
Ask yourself: Where do I need to Marie Kondo my life? What sparks joy that I want to keep? What do I need to thank for its service and let go of?
Living like a Stoic means living with intention. Being an active participant in your life. The universe can be your guide, but you are still the driver.
The Stoics believed in focusing on what’s important and designing routines to help them optimize their time.
They:
stayed mindful about what they were put here on Earth to do;
cut out distractions; and
contemplated what could get in the way of their goals.
Premeditatio malorum — planning for what could go wrong. Stoic morning meditations involve imagining the obstacles that could get in your way, and planning around that. This does not mean anxiously ruminating about ‘what if,’ but taking a step back and thoughtfully considering blocks.
Of course, you should imagine how you want things to play out. What excites you about what you’re doing? What’s the outcome you’re planning for?
Don’t obsess over the outcome
Many of us quit too early. We dip our toes into something and then get scared and give up. We don’t commit to our goal or try long enough to see what’s working and what’s not. We think that we gave it our all, but often this means we did a lot of busy work without taking real action to move ourselves forward.
Stoics don't quit. They find a way.
If something doesn’t work, they adjust. That's how you make progress: trying something, adjusting, trying something else, adjusting. It's an experiment. The ‘how’ is not as important as the end goal.
We should plan, but then we need to adjust those plans as we get more information.
And we should be too attached to the outcome.
The Stoics say it’s pointless to worry about whether something will turn out the way you want it to because most things aren’t in your control. All you can do is show up and do your best.
A metaphor Stoics use is that of the archer, which you heard me reference earlier. The archer can practice hitting his or her target, but getting a bullseye isn’t always in their control. Maybe someone bumps them as they’re shooting. Maybe someone moves the target as soon as the arrow leaves the bow.
The archer doesn’t let the thought of these possibilities keep her from showing up, and she doesn’t crumble if she misses the mark. She keeps showing up and improving one shot at a time.