It's Supposed to Suck Right Now
If you want to start something new, you have to be open to appearing imperfect. Here's how Stoicism and a growth mindset can help.
My friend’s little boy is crying. For the past 20 minutes, he’s been following a YouTube tutorial, carefully drawing each line. But when he looks at his finished picture, it doesn’t match what’s on the screen – “I didn’t do it right” – and the tears flow harder.
He’s treating the gap between his first attempt and a polished adult drawing as a personal failure. Most of us can relate – even when we know the difference between a fixed and growth mindset.
We want to be amazing at everything on our first attempt because then we don’t have to be embarrassed. No one has to see us struggle. We try to control how people perceive us by attempting to look perfect. This often means hiding and/or not trying anything new.
A fixed mindset, as you may know, is the belief that we’re born with certain natural abilities, and that’s it. You’re good at something or you’re not. A growth mindset is the belief that we can all grow and improve.
Learning this changed my life. Because, until then, I had been afraid of looking stupid, and I let that fear impact how I showed up in this world.
If we haven’t met yet – hi, I’m Sarah Mikutel. I’m a coach who helps people feel more confident in how they express themselves and relate to others.
I'm also an American in England who loves talking about Stoicism, connection, and global exploration – and the emotional freedom that comes with a growth mindset.
Growth mindset
In her TED talk and her book Mindset, Stanford professor Carol Dweck likes to talk about the power of the word ‘yet.’ Meaning, we can use the word as a helpful tool to remind ourselves that we are learning something new, so of course we aren’t good at it – yet.
“In contrast to the helpless pattern, some students seek out difficult tasks and pour effort into them. These mastery-oriented individuals thrive on challenge. Their sense of worth is not tied to immediate success but to the process of learning and improvement,” Carol S. Dweck, Self-Theories: Their Impact on Competence Motivation and Acquisition.
It’s unreasonable to think that we should be masterful at something we’ve never done before, but many of us fall into this trap. We want to leap over what is often referred to as ‘the messy middle’ because that stage of growth feels really uncomfortable.
Why judgment feels paralyzing
The other day one of my clients was telling me about a few business ideas that she had, and when she spoke about one of them in particular, her whole body lit up. She smiled; her body became more animated; she spoke faster out of sheer excitement.
She’d been thinking about this idea – which I think is brilliant! – for years, and hadn’t moved forward on it.
As we talked, it became clear that 1) she’s stuck in analysis paralysis – that muddy, stuck feeling of drowning in too much research, and 2) she’s afraid of judgment and rejection.
This can feel chaotic. You go around and around in your head, trying to think of the perfect solution before moving forward – because then no one can see you mess up. No one can say anything bad about you.
But that doesn’t work because the only way to move forward is to move forward. To take action. To test things. To try.
And that will feel uncomfortable, too – but this kind of discomfort feels a whole lot better than spinning your wheels. Because you’re actually moving toward the person you want to be. You are taking brave action. Making progress on your goals.
Becoming great – that is the highest version of yourself – is not designed to feel great. It’s designed to challenge you. And to change you.
Appreciate the struggle – this is learning. Accept that pain is part of the process. Literally say to yourself: “This is the part where it’s hard.”
If you want to do something fun, exciting, different – sell tacos from a truck, move to Istanbul, sell everything you own and live out of a van – you’re going to have naysayers. People who judge. People who reject your dreams. This will happen no matter what path you pursue in life, so take the one you want to be on.
Usually people’s judgments are not about you – they’re about their own preferences, and often about their concern for you.
When I quit a great job in Manhattan so I could live in Rome, all but a handful of people told me I was insane. A recession was kicking off and they were concerned for me – and this worry had me second guessing myself.
I had a decision to make: Listen to people who rejected that kind of life, or try something new, which for me was living la dolce vita in Rome for awhile. I chose the latter, and this set me up for a promotion when I returned to New York and, later, Italian citizenship, which is a story for another time.
I’m not saying you should ignore advice or charge ahead with no concern for others. I am saying your belief in yourself needs to be stronger than other people’s doubts.
And if you do something like start a business or a podcast or anything where you increase your visibility, you will have people who hate you online. Unfortunately, that is the price of admission these days. You have to dust yourself off and keep showing up for the people who believe in you – and that includes yourself.
Prioritize mastery, not your ego
And you have to be willing to make mistakes. As Epictetus said, “If you want to improve, you have to be OK with looking dumb in areas that don't matter” (Handbook 13).
He’s saying that sacrificing short-term comfort is worth it if it helps you stay focused on what really matters: wisdom, integrity, inner progress, and living by your values. That means letting go of your preoccupation with how you appear to others and choosing virtue over validation.
Carol Dweck agrees with him that we should sacrifice our egos for a more enriching life:
“If your intelligence can be increased, why not do that? Why waste time worrying about looking smart or dumb, when you could be becoming smarter? And in fact, students with this view will readily sacrifice opportunities to look smart in favor of opportunities to learn something new.” Self-Theories: Their Impact on Competence Motivation and Acquisition.)
They’d likely both agree that:
If you want to improve, you have to be open to appearing imperfect.
If you want to achieve your potential, stop prioritizing external praise.
If you want to explore something new, you have to risk being misunderstood.
The danger of staying quiet to avoid scrutiny
In my early 20s, I spent a summer in Siena, working on my thesis and wandering medieval streets. I met my friend Rana in a beginner Italian class. In Arabic, her name means “eye-catching” or "glittering object." In Italian, it means frog. She found this hilarious.
We didn’t have much in common aside from being American. She was loud and adventurous. I was observational and – OK, I’ll give myself some credit: I was adventurous too, as long as the adventure didn’t involve me looking stupid.
Rana got me to do things like ride a motorino through the Tuscan countryside, which was as charming and dangerous as it sounds. She lived boldly, and I admired that.
One evening, we’re sitting in Piazza del Campo, Siena’s medieval main square where everyone gathers at night. Rana, beer bottle in hand, strikes up a conversation with the guys next to us. In Italian. I don’t say a word. Not because I didn’t know how. Well…I didn’t. But even if the conversation had been in English, I probably would’ve been too shy to open my mouth.
One of the guys asked why I wasn’t talking, and Rana explained that I worried I couldn’t express myself the way I wanted to. I remember watching her and thinking, “How does she do this so easily? Some people are so lucky to be born that extroverted.”
I still think that. But I also now know that we can all become more easygoing, experimental, and bold. We can all tap into our “Rana energy” – otherwise known as a Stoic or growth mindset.
You might be afraid to try something new. Accept that this is normal. Do the scary thing anyway. Learn from your mistakes. See them as growth opportunities.
“Many growth-minded people didn’t even plan to go to the top. They got there as a result of doing what they love. It’s ironic: The top is where the fixed-mindset people hunger to be, but it’s where many growth-minded people arrive as a by-product of their enthusiasm for what they do,” Carol Dweck says in Mindset. “This point is also crucial. In the fixed-mindset, everything is about the outcome. If you fail – or if you’re not the best – it’s all been wasted. The growth mindset allows people to value what they’re doing regardless of the outcome.”
It feels hard until it doesn’t – and the beauty is in the toughness. That’s your brain rewiring itself as it acquires new knowledge.
What do you want to learn this year?
What’s holding you back from starting?
What’s one imperfect step you’re willing to take today?
Communicate with less anxiety and more influence
My work is about helping you share your voice and strengthen your relationships through better communication. Together, we’ll interrupt patterns like perfectionism, fear of judgment, and people-pleasing so you can create lasting change – and feel more at ease in every speaking situation.
I’m an American expat living in the U.K., and I value curiosity, courage, and joy. A few things I love: wandering European streets in search of the best vegetarian meal, practicing Italian, and helping my clients design a life that feels rich and meaningful.
If you're ready to have conversations that open doors – in your career, your relationships, and your life – let’s talk.