How to Handle Interruptions as an Introvert Enneagram 9
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How many times has this scenario played out in your life?
You’re having a conversation with someone, and just as you’re about to make your brilliant point, someone else bursts into the room and starts speaking over you as if you were invisible.
Depending on who this is, you might say:
“Hey! Can’t you see I was talking here?”
“Oh, sorry, go on.”
“No, just forget it.”
“No, go on. Let’s hear it.”
“No, now you’ll never get to hear it!”
And then run out of the dining room or kitchen, vowing to never speak to them again.
That conversation is more likely to happen with family than your boss or anything business-related. But no matter what the scenario, there’s irritation. That “how dare you!” feeling that reminds me of when redheaded Anne of Green Gables smashed a slate over Gilbert Blythe’s head because he called her carrots.
Why do these interruptions upset us so much?
There’s hurt under that fury. “Why don’t you see me?”
Read on (or listen to the podcast) to learn how to be less emotionally reactive when you’re interrupted so you can speak from a place of confidence that allows your voice to be heard.
Why getting interrupted makes us so mad
Are interrupters rude? Our gut reaction might always be yes, but here are some things to consider.
Since I first learned about the Enneagram and the nine personality types, I’ve felt very secure in my Type 9ness. We don’t interrupt. We wait patiently for our turn.
But I have a lot of Type 7 qualities, including my eternal optimism and love of freedom and adventure. So one day I opened a book called The Art of Typing to compare 7 and 9.
What I found reveals something very interesting and useful.
“7s rarely feel interrupted by others because they actually enjoy it when someone else comes in to interject a thought or build on an idea when the 7 is speaking. To 7s, this feels like engaged listening and interaction, not an interruption. That is called ‘overlapping’ conversation When 7s listen, they jump in the middle when someone else is talking because they are excited. 7s feel most interrupted when another person negates an idea the 7 has shared.” The Art of Typing
Reading this was a record-scratch moment for me. There are people who like interruptions? Who think they improve conversation??
Compare this to what the book says for 9:
“9s do not like anyone coming in to say something before the 9 has completely finished a sentence, a thought, a concept or a paragraph. Not only do 9s perceive this as interrupting, they consider it rude, disrespectful, and diminishing. In addition, these interruptions often cause 9s to lose their train of thought and forget where they are in terms of what they’re trying to communicate. 9s also listen without interrupting until the other person has finished, and then will add their own comments.”
Well, that cleared things up for me, 100% Type 9.
More importantly, it reminded me to take a step back, remove the tinted glasses, and see that when someone interrupts me, it doesn’t mean they’re trying to disrespect me.
In fact, when we can give ourselves that space in between stimulus and response, it becomes clear that interruptions are rarely acts of malice.
When we’re interrupted, it can feel as if our contributions are being disregarded. This can trigger feelings of anger and embarrassment and frustration, especially when we don’t always voice our opinions and ideas. These feelings are triggered by thoughts like, “They don’t value what I have to say” or “They think they’re more important than me” or “I’m not going to speak up anymore because when I do, people talk over me.”
But those are thoughts and not facts.
“It’s not things that upset us, but what we make them mean.” Epictetus
Stoicism encourages us to examine our thoughts and to decide whether they are rational and useful. We can choose to assent to our thoughts or not.
By questioning our initial thoughts and considering alternative ones, we break free from our narrow view. Possibilities open up. This practice helps us avoid treating our opinions as facts and allows us to grow and experience the world from a broader perspective.
In a moment, I’ll be walking you through thought exploration so you don’t break a slate over someone’s head the next time they interrupt you.
First, let’s talk about why people interrupt.
Why people interrupt you
We often take interruptions very personally. However, the most common reasons people interrupt have nothing to do with us. (Sometimes it does have to do with us, and I’ll get to that later).
Eagerness to share their own thoughts
Sometimes people interrupt because they have something they want to contribute to the conversation and are excited to share their perspective. Extroverts often feel energized by social interactions and may have a natural inclination to contribute to conversations. This enthusiasm and desire to engage can sometimes lead to interruptions.
Cultural or social norms
Different cultures have diverse communication norms and expectations. In some cultures, interrupting may be seen as a sign of active participation, while in others, it’s considered impolite.
Lack of self- or other-awareness
Not everyone is listening to personal development podcasts. Some people aren’t that self-aware and don’t see how disruptive their interruptions are. Or, they might not be that attuned to other people and the contributions they’re making.
Attention difficulties & impulsivity
People with attention difficulties might find it harder to wait their turn or feel an impulsive need to make their point.
Asserting control
Some people prefer to control the conversation. They might be insecure, have a domineering personality, or they might have no idea this is their tendency.
Communication style and habits
There are billions of people on this planet and we all have different communication styles. To help us make sense of each other, there are certain frameworks we can use.
Going back to the Enneagram – and if you’d like to learn more about this, you can go to sarahmikutel.com/enneagram101 – this personality framework says we tend to engage with the world in three ways, called ‘stances.’
They are the assertive/aggressive stance, the compliant/dependent stance, and the withdrawn stance.
Assertive Stance
People in the assertive stance (Types 3, 7, 8) tend to be self-confident and direct. They take charge and focus on fulfilling their own desires. They’re good at getting others to back their ideas, whether that’s by bringing them along or dragging them along. Challenges include impulsive action, difficulty connecting with emotions, and control issues.
Compliant Stance
People in the compliant stance (Types 1, 2, 6) tend to seek connection and approval. They focus on rules, relationships, and duty, and they’re driven by a desire to establish and maintain these connections. They’re often helpful and responsible yet struggle with over-identifying with other people’s needs and setting boundaries. And sometimes they’re the ones crossing boundaries, getting overly involved in other people’s business without being asked.
Withdrawn Stance
People in the withdrawn stance (Types 4, 5, 9) tend to be reflective, reserved, and creative. They focus on their inner worlds as they need time and space to process their thoughts and feelings. They value introspection, independence, and personal autonomy. Challenges include feeling misunderstood, anxiety, and conflict avoidance.
As you can see, these are three very different ways of being, which can lead to a lot of misunderstandings and frustrations.
We have people with assertive personalities who feel comfortable expressing their opinions and taking the lead in conversations. They may perceive those of us who are more withdrawn as being disinterested, while we view them as aggressive.
Take off the tinted glasses. Get curious about where people are coming from and what their natural communication tendencies are, and remember that we can’t control how other people act.
Increase your emotional resiliency
I already mentioned that “It’s not things that upset us, but what we make them mean.”
Another core Stoic idea, which I’ll keep bringing up because it’s so important to our wellbeing and understanding of the world: “Some things are up to us, and other things are not.”
Stoic philosophy advises focusing our attention and efforts on what is within our control, rather than fixating on external circumstances, including others' opinions. We can make requests, we can set boundaries, but in the end what is up to us is our own thoughts, choices, and actions.
People interrupt. It’s a part of life. Practice accepting that external events, including interruptions, are natural and not personal.
When you allow that reality and don’t let anger consume you, you can respond from a much calmer, more detached place. You’ll be able to speak in a more influential way because external disturbances aren’t dictating your emotional responses.
You might always feel a spark of irritation when someone walks into a room and starts talking over you – it’s what happens next that counts.
Maintain equanimity
Take a deep breath. Label your feeling, which might be fury. Don’t fight it, simply allow it without reacting. Stay mindful of the facts of the situation – someone walked in and started talking – and any story you may be attaching to the fact.
Challenge unhelpful thoughts
Cognitive distortions are distorted thoughts, including overgeneralizations (“I always get interrupted”) and personalizations (“They don't value me”). Challenge these thought errors by considering more balanced thoughts then respond to the situation in a way that aligns with your wisdom and values.
Decrease your chance of being interrupted
Alright, we’ve covered mindset, which is essential to effective communication. Now let’s talk about verbal and non-verbal techniques we can use to reduce our chances of getting interrupted and how to get the conversation back on track when we do.
Vocal volume and energy
Maintain a consistent level of energy while you’re talking. This lets people know you haven’t finished. Sometimes we lose steam and our volume decreases toward the end of our sentence, which can sound to others like we’re done. Practice maintaining your volume levels as you speak
Make sure your statements sound like statements, and not like questions to be answered by someone else.
Increase your volume and add vocal variety, which includes the speed at which you’re speaking and the emotion in your voice.
You capture your audience’s attention when you project a clear and steady voice. This makes you sound more confident and influential.
Confident Body Language
Match the confidence in your voice with confident body language. Expansive, upright body – shoulders are back, arms aren’t crossed. Make eye contact with people. Use purposeful gestures.
If someone chimes in before you’re finished speaking, make eye contact with the person, raise your hand slightly to indicate you have more to say, and keep talking.
You could also say something like, “I appreciate your input. I'd love to hear more after I finish my point."
Tell people where you’re headed and cut unnecessary details
Outline your ideas upfront to let people know what’s coming. Cut out unnecessary information to keep people engaged. What do they need to know right now?
You may come off as rambling if you’re including every detail in the exact order that they happened. We may think we’re providing clarity by giving all this background, but often people start tuning out because of information overload. Get to the point. Give people space to ask questions and share their thoughts.
Do you still feel an Anne-of-Greene-Gables level of rage when someone interrupts you? Do you feel invisible when you speak? Book a call to discuss how you can start communicating with calm confidence this week.
Are you ready to communicate with less anxiety and more influence?
Have you ever taken a shot before you had to speak in front of a room? Me, too. Then, post-speech, you’d find me slumped over my desk, energetically shattered.
My audience thought I looked confident, but internally I was a mess. Then I started studying cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and Stoicism, which taught me how to manage all my mind drama.
You see, being a great communicator isn’t just about the words you say or how you move your body – it’s about cultivating a courageous mindset.
Stoicism, which is the foundation of CBT, taught me not to run from uncomfortable feelings, and instead to be with them and observe them with curiosity.
I learned to rewire my thought patterns to enjoy speaking up and sharing my ideas. To embrace a growth mindset.
Today, introverts work with me to become calm, confident communicators in business and in their personal life. Are you tired of feeling anxious when all eyes are on you?
